Here are some examples of the types of work-related conversations that many of us find difficult and that take courage to conduct.
Petra Rees, your coach
and workshop facilitator
Petra Rees, your coach
and workshop facilitator
One of the reasons we tend to avoid ‘difficult’ conversations (for example, giving feedback) is that we fear it might have a negative impact on our relationship with the other person. However, we often ignore that not addressing important issues and leaving things “unsaid” has its own detrimental effects. It creates psychological distance, we may begin avoiding interactions with the other person, or they with us, and empathy and mutual understanding diminish.
Stepping up to the challenge and initiating a difficult conversation in a calm and respectful way will often actually lead to a strengthened relationship. For example, thoughtful and constructive feedback conveys respect for the other person and their capability to develop and grow. Taking the time and energy to have a courageous conversation with another person demonstrates that we believe our relationship is worth that investment.
How you frame a conversation in your own mind prior to having it is crucial to the outcome and effect on the relationship: are you viewing the interaction as a conflict, with a winner and a loser? Is your main goal to get your viewpoint (or your feedback across)? Or are you picturing a dialogue between equals, with mutual curiosity about each other’s motivations and conclusions?
With a bit of practice, you will start to view courageous conversations as valuable opportunities to strengthen and deepen your relationships in ways that is transformational for yourself and others.
Kim Scott’s book, ‚Radical Candor‘ describes how to bring both compassion and transparency into your communications, even in difficult matters such as layoffs or holding people accountable for mistakes. She describes how to make space for the emotions that arise as a matter of course in such interactions, and how to navigate these as a leader and as a human being.
In this article which was published 7/9/20 in Fast Company, Kim adapts her insights from the book to the current need for better remote communications and includes practical tips on how to make video conferences more interactive and inclusive.
Even when we commit to engaging someone in a courageous conversation, we often struggle with how to conduct the interaction in a well-structured way. We may rush into it without a clear plan of what we want to say, or we delay the conversation because we’re not sure how to get started.
The framework pictured here is a helpful guide on how to structure a courageous conversation.
The first step is to name ‘what is going on’ – in other words, start by saying “I would like to give you some feedback”, or “We seem to have a difference in opinions on how to best proceed with this project”. We often shy away from being this explicit out of fear of seeming confrontational. Yet it has proven to be the most effective way to start a productive dialogue – when you do so in a calm and non-aggressive tone of voice.
The next two steps, listening and making your point, can be done in either order – depending on the context. When listening, make sure to ask a few questions to encourage the other person to fully express their point of view. Then synthesize their perspective to make sure they feel heard. When making your points, be concise and check in whether the other person is following your train of thought.
Once both perspectives have been ‘laid on the table’ the next step is to analyze both the differences and the commonalities. Frequently we focus too much on the opposing viewpoints, without acknowledging that there are also points or goals we agree on.
From this base, we can now jointly develop options on what to do or change. Doing this jointly is important – often one person (e.g. the one giving the feedback) does ‘all the work’ or makes all the suggestions. Only if both are engaged in developing next steps is real buy-in created.
And finally, a step that is often overlooked, is the step of re-affirming the relationship. This could be, for example, thanking the other person for their time, or acknowledging that ongoing collaboration with them is important to you, or that they are a key team member. It is important not to ‘rush’ to an end of the conversation and to make the time for this final step.
Powerful listening is a cornerstone of effective conversations. Ironically, we often over-estimate our own ability to listen well and we may struggle to come up with impactful questions that really push the thinking in a dialogue. This Harvard Business Review article (https://hbr.org/2016/07/what-great-listeners-actually-do) provides an excellent overview of what powerful listening looks like and how you can develop that skillset.
Why does giving feedback or negotiating for your needs require courage? Because very often these conversations trigger an emotional response, both in ourselves and the other person. And we may fear that we cannot express ourselves effectively while in the grip of our own emotions, or we fear that we cannot adequately deal with the emotional response by the other person.
Developing trust in yourself to stay centered during a dialogue is a mindset you can develop with some practice.
Watch this short, animated video by The Conscious Leadership Group to learn how to manage your emotions and stay ‘above the line’ during courageous conversations.
Giving feedback, holding someone accountable, openly addressing a conflict of interests – all of these conversations take time and energy. We may ask ourselves, why take the risk and effort involved? The interaction can easily feel like a confrontation, and so we tend to shy away from them, or delay them, or have them in a hurry to get out of the situation as quickly as possible.
In a remote working environment, it may seem even harder to open such a dialogue, and it is easier to ‘avoid the issue’ since we are not likely to run into the other person in the office hallway. And since we know working remotely is hard on everyone, we hesitate to be someone who is critical or creates a negative mood.
However, we have all experienced the downsides of such avoidance: issues that are not being raised begin to have negative effects on our work or that of the team. The conflict is still ‘there’ but it is covert, which makes it harder to have a dialogue about it. Over time, individual viewpoints harden into passive-aggressiveness and what might have been a straightforward conversation becomes a drawn-out complaint about mutual grievances.
This is where ‘short-term optimization’ towards ‘keeping the peace’ is counterproductive in the long run, and this is what we need to keep in mind in order to find the courage to initiate difficult conversations sooner rather than later.
Listen to this podcast by Heather Currier Hunt, IDEO Senior Director of Global Learning and Development, where she talks about leaning into tensions at work as an opportunity to help ideas spread and individuals grow.